im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
