I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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