I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize