You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
