He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
