we have pet lesbian snakes
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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