i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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