i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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