Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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