Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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