I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
