Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
