I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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