It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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