What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Randomize
