she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
