im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
