he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
