quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
