for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
