you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
