and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
