i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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