It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
