i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
