someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
