you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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