i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
