you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
