I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize