I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
