I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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