nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
pop tarts are not kleenex
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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