There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
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