u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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