May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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