So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
