Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
