There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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