I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I deserve this hangover.
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