I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
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