I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
