I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
