I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
not ubering you a puppy
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
