I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize