Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
