marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
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