hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
