come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
