hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
