so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
