I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
