the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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