Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
