bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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