Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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